0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 2/21/2021
EXTRA! EXTRA! The big, dopey heavyweights are back! Man do I love me a good, jiggly-titted heavyweight slap-fest. Dudes who look like your middle school gym teacher, or your dad’s friend Rick, just throwing slow-motion bombs without a care in the world beyond wrapping things up before Arby’s closes. The kind where guys hike their […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 1/3/2021
One of the joys of a global pandemic — and the ensuing isolation that accompanies it — is the feeling of being completely untethered from time. Events that occurred last night may as well have taken place in the Mesozoic era. I have no clue when my last birthday was. Who is president now? Is […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 12/8/2020
Errol Spence loves horses. Apparently, that’s his thing now. That’s fine. I suppose it’s a natural progression to make once you can no longer be trusted around automobiles. It’s not weird to like horses, I suppose. I mean, depending on what it is you’re doing with, or to, them. Horses are cool, don’t get me […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 11/28/2020
First off, before we get started, we’re not even going to bother discussing this fight. It was a sentient Ambien overdose that future generations will show to their children to combat night terrors. Secondly, in the spirit of full transparency, I feel obligated to inform you that I’m typing this on Hunter Biden’s laptop. I […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 11/2/2020
First off, before we even get started, Naoya Inoue fought on Halloween night and I didn’t use “Monster Mash” or any variation thereof in the headline of this piece. It’s a nearly pornographic display of willpower that future religions will base their scriptures on. While I appreciate the sentiment, your gaping jaws and undying servitude […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 10/14/2020
Have you seen the video of Rudy Giuliani wiping his toxic, reptile sweat all over the terrified woman next to him at this year’s Republican National Convention? In it, the former Mayor of New York City and current Guy Who Spends His Days Licking Window Panes and Chewing On Extension Cords, dabs his clearly lobotomized […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 9/7/2020
Scoring a fight isn’t easy. Boxing is an ugly, fast-paced sport with constantly-changing angles. It’s loud, bloody and emotional. Thousands of micro-events take place, in rapid succession, that greatly factor into the outcome of a given round. You’d be forgiven for not catching them all. No sir, scoring a fight is not easy. Here’s the […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 8/30/2020
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Besides the manifestly obvious fact that I well and truly despise who I am as a person, I can’t, for the life of me, understand this predilection for blatant self-sabotage. Allow me to briefly pull back the curtain on how these articles get made. Yes, it’s more […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 8/23/2020
Did you ever play Dungeons and Dragons as a kid? For the sake of your future sex life, please don’t answer out loud if you did. If not, try and picture the 10-sided dice used by those nerds. Now, on each face of the die, write a short description of every conceivable outcome you could […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 7/3/2020
Boxing is back, baby! Or something vaguely resembling it, I guess. I’m sure it was every young fighters’ dream to one day find themselves in the glamorous confines of an empty, hermetically sealed broom closet like “The Bubble” at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, but to do it with roughly the population of Ames, […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 6/24/2020
First off, I’m fine. My family is safe and all outstanding gambling debts have been settled with the appropriate parties. I’m doing this of sound mind and my own free will. I realize I just declared myself competent to stand trial should any homicidal crime spree result from this, but it’s a price I’m willing […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 5/7/2020
Oh, hello there. You’ll have to forgive my absence these past couple weeks as I’ve been embroiled in a bit of a legal quagmire. You see, I’ve enlisted the services of local attorney Herb Gonads, to file a suit against the planet of Earth to keep this current lockdown in effect indefinitely, and perhaps for […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 4/11/2020
I’ve watched “Harry and The Hendersons” twice this week. Also, hey, how’s it going? I realize that admitting that out loud basically amounts to giving the “all clear” sign to the SWAT team surrounding my house to kick down the door and haul me off to psycho prison, but before that happens I have some […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 4/3/2020
I have a working theory that the Tiger King thing is a government depopulation program where anyone who watches it has his or her IP address logged and is deemed not only inessential, but completely expendable. Does it seem like a coincidence that it premiered the same week the corona plague washed up on our […]
0 comments by Brent Hedtke on 3/28/2020
So you’re trapped indoors without your precious sports to keep you company. It’s just you, your depression, and the chili-drenched sweatpants that are now permanently grafted onto your legs. The dog ate all the toilet paper and your wife already put a lock on the liquor cabinet. You’ve plowed through all six volumes of Faces […]
