Late at night, Evil Tim he comes to me, he says, “Let me write about your pound-for-pound list.” So I let Evil Tim write a guest column.
Every boxer in the world today is atrocious. These so-called top 20 “pound-for-pound” boxers are so bad that I would trade a pound of lint for every pound of boxer on this list, use the lint to build same-sized lint golems, and then my lint golems would defeat the originals. Let me enlighten you.
1. Manny Pacquiao, welterweight
If all you have to do to become pound-for-pound king is beat a series of one-dimensional old men, then boxing really is worse than whenever you were a kid. It dates all the way back to Marco Antonio Barrera, this domination of the geriatrics. His last opponent, Shane Mosley, was so shot he nearly lost to freaking Sergio Mora. His next opponent in November is also an old man, and, making matters worse, a shrimpy one — LIGHTWEIGHT champion Juan Manuel Marquez. And as bad as his record is, Pacquiao needed ‘roids for it.
2. Sergio Martinez, middleweight
His best win, over Paul Williams in the rematch, came via a lucky punch where Martinez’ eyes were closed. And Williams is no middleweight, so, good job. Fight before that, Martinez beat up an alcoholic. Martinez also owns a draw against Kermit Cintron. In his last fight he beat a guy who only has one punch, and the wimpiest one, a jab — Serhiy Dzinziruk. And he’s the middleweight champion of a division when it sucks harder than it hardly ever has? That’s like being king of some crappy island, population: 1. Next fight is in October against some 160-pound schlub.
3. Juan Manuel Marquez, lightweight
When your pound-for-pound credentials are based on NOT WINNING TWO FIGHTS against Pacquiao, whose suckiness is documented above, you know you are no damn good. At least other boxers actually beat people. Lately, he’s beaten a bunch of no-talent brawlers like Michael Katsidis and Juan Diaz, and before that he got plastered by Floyd Mayweather. Before he doesn’t win yet another fight against Pacquiao in November, he’ll take some interim fight in July against some other no-talent.
4. Nonito Donaire, bantamweight
Two words: Victor Conte. Also, everyone was so impressed by him knocking out Fernando Montiel. Why? Two years ago, Montiel got knocked out by professional scrub Alejandro Valdez, only that time the Mexican authorities saved him from the embarrassment on his record. It was only a matter of time until some other professional scrub KO’d him; enter Donaire. Before that, Donaire did nothing for literally years. Before that, he knocked out Vic Darchinyan, or, rather, Darchinyan knocked himself out by walking square into the punch. So what?
5. Bernard Hopkins, light heavyweight
Oooo, everybody’s so impressed by a 46-year-old man winning a championship. Did you see the guy he beat? There are people afflicted with vertigo who are less clumsy than Jean Pascal. And how many seconds does Pascal fight in a round? Three, four, tops? I guess it’s pretty easy to set records against huffing and puffing and stumbling people. So easy an old man can do it. Every other person Hopkins has faced was just as lame. And he’ll be the betting underdog against boring loser Chad Dawson in the fall. FAIL.
6. Carl Froch, super middleweight
As bad as it is to have Pacquiao as our pound-for-pound king, the notion of Froch as a pound-for-pound anything is as damning an indictment of boxing as exists. Froch almost makes Pascal look coordinated. People make a big deal about his strength of schedule, but here’s who he’s beaten: Pascal; a recently-KO’d Jermain Taylor; didn’t-really-beat Andre Dirrell; lost to Mikkel Kessler after Kessler was coming off a monumental ass-kicking; beat Arthur Abraham after Dirrell did; and then beat a 42-year-old, 14-loss Glen Johnson. Go back to the U.K., you bum.
7. Andre Ward, super middleweight
Ward will inevitably send Froch back to the U.K. when they meet in the fall, as if that should wow us or something. Knowing Ward, he’ll probably score a head butt knockout, or hold Froch the whole fight long to avoid getting exposed as a guy with the punching power of a feather duster. People say Ward is skilled, but skilled at what, really? Cheating and sucking. And this is arguably the best American boxer we have? Kill me now.
8. Timothy Bradley, junior welterweight
What is this, the head butt quadrant of the pound-for-pound list? Bradley’s the #1 junior welterweight, but what did he do to deserve it? I guess it’s that he beat serial knockout victim Kendall Holt or something. He was already #1 somehow when he fought Devon Alexander, who was coming off a loss (even if the St. Louis judges didn’t see it that way) to Andriy Kotelnik, who once got blanked by glass-chinned Amir Khan. Now Bradley’s avoiding a fight with Khan. You have got to be kidding me.
9. Wladimir Klitschko, heavyweight
He’s been the heavyweight champion for a while, but during a time when the division is the worst in its whole history. Forget Martinez ruling a terrible middleweight division; Klitschko is like, mayor of Pripyat or something. And if he fought anyone who could punch at all, and that person hit him, his glass jaw would crumple up like a piece of paper listing every no-name he ever beat. Maybe David Haye, who totally blows in nearly the same way, can enact the crumpling in their fight in July.
10. Giovani Segura, junior flyweight
When I watch him fight, the main question going through my head is, “How does he hit anybody at all?” Segura makes Froch look like a trapeze artist. One of his “wins” is over a guy he literally knocked out way after the bell. Way to go, Mexican boxing authorities! His big wins are against an ancient, undersized Ivan Calderon, who, as if that set of conditions wasn’t bad enough, decided to take his no-power ass and slug it out with a guy who couldn’t have touched him a couple years ago. It took Calderon being stupid to lose to this particular stupid boxer.
11. Vitali Klitschko, heavyweight
The worst of a bad brother duo. What’s his best win, Sam Peter? Who cares, his awful brother beat Peter. In fact, all the Klitschkos ever do is beat Peter. They pass him back and forth like a dutchie. This is the same Klitschko brother who struggled to beat up tomato can Albert Sosnowski and had to rely on his fat opponent’s knee giving out to win his last fight. The only thing worse than being mayor of Pripyat is being the city comptroller of Pripyat.
12. Miguel Cotto, junior middleweight
He’s totally shot. And the first times he fought anybody any “good,” Pacquiao and Antonio Margarito, he tried to quit and run away both times. Do us a favor, Cotto: take your shitty skills and run away from boxing.
13. Chad Dawson, light heavyweight
Has Adrian freakin Diaconu ever hit anybody as many times as Diaconu hit Dawson? This Manny Steward thing won’t work for Dawson, trust me. What has Steward ever done? He coached the worst of the “Four Kings.” When Dawson beats Hopkins, he should be arrested for elder abuse.
14. Paul Williams, junior middleweight
C’mon, man. Don’t joke around. Did you see this guy get stretched by a punch the other guy threw with his eyes closed? Let’s move on. If you get knocked out by a man with his eyes closed, you should retire.
15. Pongsaklek Wonjongkam, flyweight
I couldn’t make this up if I tried: The flyweight champion of the world has, in his last three fights, beaten three fighters with less than four career fights each. Before that, he nearly lost to a deliberately easy opponent. Before that, he got his belt by beating a Japanese tweenager.
16. Yuriorkis Gamboa, featherweight
I’m pretty sure Gamboa has suffered more knockdowns in 20 fights than all the other men on this list combined. Also, his best win is over Jorge Solis. Snicker. He’ll be knocked out soon, trust me.
17. Amir Khan, junior welterweight
It’s impossible to take anyone seriously who got starched by Breidis Prescott. It’s doubly impossible (that’s mathematically feasible) to take anyone seriously whose best win is over caveman Marcos Maidana, especially after Maidana nearly got beat by Erik “ringing in my ears” Morales.
18. Lucian Bute, super middleweight
He’s one corrupt referee’s long count from losing by KO to Librado Andrade. Let me repeat that: Bute had to be saved by a corrupt ref to avoid being KO’d by Librado Andrade. If you can name anything he’s done that covers up that stink, you’re lying.
19. Fernando Montiel, bantamweight
There’s no way I could respect a boxer who once spent a whole night running away from Jhonny Gonzalez’ glass jaw. Then, we all saw how he got KO’d by abysmal Nonito Donaire. At least he doesn’t wear those ridiculous John Stockton shorts anymore.
20. David Haye, heavyweight
If this was a list of pound-for-pound “musclebound jackasses,” Haye would be #1. Remember when Haye got knocked out by journeyman Carl Thompson? Hilarious. Like the man he’s facing in July, Klitschko, he’s a knockout waiting to happen. At least we’ll be rid of one of them.
Honorable mentions: Andre Berto, for his defeat of Freddy Hernandez; Alex McClintock, because he writes for us and also boxes; Charlie Zelenoff, for his undefeated gym record; JohnPaulFutbol’s daughter, for her defeat of a sandwich