Well, who would have thought we’d have a post-fight that is more entertaining (and likely to be a lot lengthier) than the actual fight itself? Victor Ortiz and Oscar De La Hoya are demanding a rematch, while Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is rolling out the infamous fishnet stocking shots.
I give Mayweather the points lead on the Twitter repartee, with jokes about Victoria’s Secret and Golden Girl. But let’s go forward a few months to my imaginary press conference announcing the terms of a potential fight with Manny Pacquiao.
Bob Arum: We have agreed to do the fight with Floyd. We have agreed to blood tests, before, during and after the fight…
Manny: Wait… during?
Bob: …We have agreed that, per Floyd’s suggestion, Manny will get a swirly in a public restroom…
Manny: What’s swirly?
Bob: it’s nothing, someone holds your head in the toilet and someone else flushes. it’s just a test, a medical test, Floyd suggested.
Floyd: I want to clean up boxing.
Manny: I’m not getting a swirly.
Floyd: Then the fight’s off.
Manny: Ok, I’ll get it.
Bob: Okay, and we’ve agreed to urine samples between rounds two and three.
Floyd: …and Joan Manuel Marquessa has to drink it.
Bob: Ok, well, we can arrange that I think. we’ll just make him think it’s his.
Manny: Why I have to do this?
Bob: I don’t know… it’s… ask Floyd.
Floyd: To clean up the sport of boxing.
Bob: Right. That. Well, great, here’s the contract, Floyd, if you’ll just sign right… here.
Floyd: Whoa. Wait, bitches. I don’t see anything here about the transplant…
Manny: About what?
Floyd: It’s all good about the urine and Joan Marquessa drinking it and all, but what about the transplant?
Bob Arum: The WHAT? There is nothing in this contract about transplant. Look, Floyd, we agreed to the urine, we agreed to the blood test, we agreed to the sudsy enema, for God’s sake what else do you want?
Floyd: All roads lead to Floyd Mayweather and I want to clean up the sport of boxing and I want to thank myself for keeping myself relevant.
Manny: What he saying?
Floyd: It’s protect yourself at all times, Victoria, but listen here: The only way to clean up the sport of boxing is to insist that Martha Pacquaio here gets radiation therapy about three hours before the fight to make sure he ain’t bringing no cancer cells into the ring with his ass. I don’t want that shit on me. Also, he has two kidneys, so they have to remove one.
Manny: I don’t believe in that, make me weak before I get in the ring.
Floyd: Superstitious mother F—er. Listen Pinnochio, last offer: Colonoscopy in the dressing room before the hand wraps go on, since we are, after all, fighting during National Colon Awareness Month.
Manny: Forget it, I’m going back to Manila to eat halo-halo and run for office again.
Bob Arum: But why? This is all very reasonable…
Manny: I don’t know, I want new office. With nice view of Makati Hilton.
Bob Arum: Ok, Manny will get the colonoscopy…
Bob Arum: …if you, Floyd, agree to a prostate exam.
Floyd: Okay, I don’t mind that.
Bob: Conducted by Larry Merchant.
Floyd: Fight’s off!!