Every once in a while, an idiotic idea takes hold of me and I decide that it is worth pursuing despite the sheer lunacy of what I am going to attempt. It happened again yesterday when I read Alex McClintock’s inspired drinking game designed around HBO’s coverage of Ruslan Provodnikov-Chris Algieri.
Despite the mounting evidence to the contrary, I still think I am indestructible. So I offer to you a running diary of my descent into bourbon fueled grouchiness, anger, sadness and queasiness.
Saturday, June 14
10:40 a.m.
Read Alex’s post and decide it’s a brilliant idea. Further decide to substitute bourbon for beer because June 14 is National Bourbon day and I’m a patriot, Goddammit!
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/477822867443159041
Alex asks me not to die, I say I’ll do my best.
4:00 p.m.
Go to liquor store, buy fifth of Evan Williams 1783.
4:30pm
Come home to find that my dog has rolled in cow shit and now needs a bath. Affect my best Gallic shrug and then bathe said dog.
6:00 p.m.
Eat dinner of ham sandwich with provolone on rye.
6:15p.m.
Decide to eat second sandwich just in case the first one proves ineffective at providing a cushion for the alcohol to come. Ponder life decisions and decide that I am simply an awful excuse for an adult.
10:00p.m.
Watch replay of Cotto-Martinez and offer completely redundant analysis on twitter. Begin Drinking in earnest.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/477998480242143232
11:10 p.m.
HBO’s Andre Ward talks and my hatred starts to swell. I drink more because fuck it, why not?
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478011601065230336
11:18 pm
Offer actual insight about the wretched Andrade-Rose fight. Continue drinking.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478013651761115136
11:39 p.m.
HBO’s Max Kellerman makes a Rocky reference and I take a shot, realizing this is going to end very badly.
11:45 p.m.
Another shot as raw moose liver is referenced.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478020323397230593
11:52 p.m.
Algieri gets dropped twice during first round. I take a shot because I am convinced the fight will be over soon.
Sunday, June 15
12:07 a.m.
Algieri’s trainer tells him to use the “tap-boom” (whatever the fuck that is). I take another shot and realize I’ve lost count of how many shots I’ve taken, and that I’m drunk. Decide drinking a few beers during the day while I cleaned the house was a bad idea.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478025887137275904
12:08 a.m.
Read a tweet from Bad Left Hook’s James Foley (@therealFOL) mocking the HBO announce team referencing raw moose liver. I take another shot lest I break the game’s rules, but am very unhappy about it.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478026157976088576
12:09 a.m.
Decide to mock HBO’s announce team myself, because halfway through the fight I have no clue how anyone could have given a single round to Algieri. I chug some water.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478026379192041472
12:26 a.m.
See CompuBox stats. Disagree with them. Drink more.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478030789368492032
12:31 a.m.
Someone says “Siberian Rocky.” I drink again.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478032017679200256
12:38 a.m.
Fight ends. Despite not keeping an official tally, I am convinced that Provodnikov has won easily, but allow that my alcohol intake may have played a part in that opinion. I take another shot.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478033780590919680
12:43 a.m.
I vehemently disagree with the split decision in Algieri’s favor, mention that I’m drunk and prove it by misspelling ‘Bullshit.’ Take another shot.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478035112366309376
12:46 a.m.
Having completely lost the ability to make decisions, I ask Alex if I can stop drinking. He encourages me to pour one out for Ruslan. I drink more.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478035697924706305
1:10 a.m.
Vomit profusely after drinking 2 large glasses of water in a vain attempt to rehydrate. Regret life decisions.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478041729107378176
1:45 a.m.
Realize I’m sitting on the floor in my living room. Stumble off to bed.
9:00 a.m.
Wake up. Find empty fifth of bourbon in the kitchen and three empty cans of beer that I don’t remember drinking in the living room. Regret life decisions some more. Find a semi-comforting tweet from Alex. Respond that I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would.
https://twitter.com/axmcc/status/478155401595064320
10:00 a.m.
Begin starting to feel exactly as badly as I thought I would. Make joke about it.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478177076608921602
11:35 a.m.
Discover Casey Kasem has died. Feel mostly apathetic about it and nauseated.
https://twitter.com/HansLanda0351/status/478199134122291200
11:40 a.m.
Start typing.
