Every once in a while, an idiotic idea takes hold of me and I decide that it is worth pursuing despite the sheer lunacy of what I am going to attempt. It happened again yesterday when I read Alex McClintock’s inspired drinking game designed around HBO’s coverage of Ruslan Provodnikov-Chris Algieri.
Despite the mounting evidence to the contrary, I still think I am indestructible. So I offer to you a running diary of my descent into bourbon fueled grouchiness, anger, sadness and queasiness.
Saturday, June 14
10:40 a.m.
Read Alex’s post and decide it’s a brilliant idea. Further decide to substitute bourbon for beer because June 14 is National Bourbon day and I’m a patriot, Goddammit!
I'm going to need a big bottle of bourbon. The Official Queensberry Rules Provodnikov Vs. Algieri Drinking Game http://t.co/xkOjfXbbET
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 14, 2014
Alex asks me not to die, I say I’ll do my best.
4:00 p.m.
Go to liquor store, buy fifth of Evan Williams 1783.
4:30pm
Come home to find that my dog has rolled in cow shit and now needs a bath. Affect my best Gallic shrug and then bathe said dog.
6:00 p.m.
Eat dinner of ham sandwich with provolone on rye.
6:15p.m.
Decide to eat second sandwich just in case the first one proves ineffective at providing a cushion for the alcohol to come. Ponder life decisions and decide that I am simply an awful excuse for an adult.
10:00p.m.
Watch replay of Cotto-Martinez and offer completely redundant analysis on twitter. Begin Drinking in earnest.
I know Martinez's legs were wrecked, but Cotto's footwork and accuracy were phenomenal.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
11:10 p.m.
HBO’s Andre Ward talks and my hatred starts to swell. I drink more because fuck it, why not?
I hate Andre Ward the way the Old Testament God hated gays, women, and non Israelites.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
11:18 pm
Offer actual insight about the wretched Andrade-Rose fight. Continue drinking.
Andrade's lead foot is consistently inside of Rose's. That'll be an issue against someone with talent.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
11:39 p.m.
HBO’s Max Kellerman makes a Rocky reference and I take a shot, realizing this is going to end very badly.
11:45 p.m.
Another shot as raw moose liver is referenced.
Raw moose liver. And I drink again. Fuck you @axmcc
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
11:52 p.m.
Algieri gets dropped twice during first round. I take a shot because I am convinced the fight will be over soon.
Sunday, June 15
12:07 a.m.
Algieri’s trainer tells him to use the “tap-boom” (whatever the fuck that is). I take another shot and realize I’ve lost count of how many shots I’ve taken, and that I’m drunk. Decide drinking a few beers during the day while I cleaned the house was a bad idea.
Did Algieri's trainer use the phrase "tap boom" or am I as drunk as I think I am?
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
12:08 a.m.
Read a tweet from Bad Left Hook’s James Foley (@therealFOL) mocking the HBO announce team referencing raw moose liver. I take another shot lest I break the game’s rules, but am very unhappy about it.
@therealFOL Dammit! Now I have to drink again.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
12:09 a.m.
Decide to mock HBO’s announce team myself, because halfway through the fight I have no clue how anyone could have given a single round to Algieri. I chug some water.
HBO crew doing a good job of making it seem like a guy getting dominated is really in this fight.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
12:26 a.m.
See CompuBox stats. Disagree with them. Drink more.
If Algieri has really outlanded Provodikov 230-151, I don't have a drinking problem.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
12:31 a.m.
Someone says “Siberian Rocky.” I drink again.
#SiberianRocky Christ fuck I'm drunk.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
12:38 a.m.
Fight ends. Despite not keeping an official tally, I am convinced that Provodnikov has won easily, but allow that my alcohol intake may have played a part in that opinion. I take another shot.
I have it wide as fuck for Provo, but I played that Aussie sumbitch @axmcc's drinking game. http://t.co/xkOjfXbbET
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
12:43 a.m.
I vehemently disagree with the split decision in Algieri’s favor, mention that I’m drunk and prove it by misspelling ‘Bullshit.’ Take another shot.
Granted I'm hammered, but the 114-112 scores are BULSHIT.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
12:46 a.m.
Having completely lost the ability to make decisions, I ask Alex if I can stop drinking. He encourages me to pour one out for Ruslan. I drink more.
Do I have to keep drinking or can I stop @axmcc?
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
1:10 a.m.
Vomit profusely after drinking 2 large glasses of water in a vain attempt to rehydrate. Regret life decisions.
Never drink bourbon for a drinking game designed for beer beer. That is all. Yes. I just yakked.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
1:45 a.m.
Realize I’m sitting on the floor in my living room. Stumble off to bed.
9:00 a.m.
Wake up. Find empty fifth of bourbon in the kitchen and three empty cans of beer that I don’t remember drinking in the living room. Regret life decisions some more. Find a semi-comforting tweet from Alex. Respond that I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would.
Shout out to @HansLanda0351's hangover
— Alex McClintock (@axmcc) June 15, 2014
10:00 a.m.
Begin starting to feel exactly as badly as I thought I would. Make joke about it.
Pretty sure my liver looks like Chris Algieri's eye right now.
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
11:35 a.m.
Discover Casey Kasem has died. Feel mostly apathetic about it and nauseated.
@jet79 Like, for real, Scoob?
— M. Swain (@HansLanda0351) June 15, 2014
11:40 a.m.
Start typing.