Grateful Nation Thanks Deontay Wilder For Ending American Decline

President Barack Obama today confirmed what many suspected: Deontay Wilder’s win over Bermane Stiverne for a meaningless heavyweight title on Saturday has ended the era of American decline.

“I can finally look Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping in the eye now that the best heavyweight in the world, excluding Wladimir Klitschko, Tyson Fury and Alexander Povetkin, is American,” said President Obama, speaking from the White House Rose Garden.

“People say that boxing title belts are meaningless these days, but we expect to see a rapid fall in unemployment and an expansion of the middle class,” added the President.

Wilder defeated Canada’s Stiverne via one-sided unanimous decision in Las Vegas on Showtime. In doing so, the Tuscaloosa native became the first undefeated American to hold a heavyweight belt since Riddick Bowe in 1992.

“The President has got this one dead right,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner in a rare moment of bipartisanship.

“Do you even remember 1992? We’d just finished kicking Iraqi ass, a Bush was president and Big Daddy had the WBC title around his waist…,” said the Speaker, trailing off wistfully.

When asked about how he thought a fight between Wilder and lineal champion Wladimir Klitschko would play out for the new American golden age, however, the Speaker was evasive, replying: “How about those Seahawks?”

(Image: Showtime)