Top Rank founder and CEO Bob Arum announced today that he has signed an extension of his contract with Satan, the Prince of Darkness, through 2015, with a mutual option for 2016.
Under the terms of the deal, the devil will continue to ensure that Top Rank retains its privileged position at the forefront of boxing promoters. Satan will guarantee television and pay-per-view dates for Top Rank; make certain that top fighters remain within the stable and new stars are added; and deflect interference from legitimate media sources, the law and disgruntled fans.
In exchange, Arum has promised his eternal soul to the ancient serpent, as well as those of several other undisclosed Top Rank employees and contracted fighters.
“Top Rank and Satan have maintained one of the longest, most successful professional relationships in the history of boxing,” Arum said. “I am proud to announce that this association will continue unabated.”
The longtime partnership began in 1966, when Arum exchanged the rights to his spiritual essence for the right to promote heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali. The deal established Arum as a dominant promotional force in boxing, although it left him deprived of some basic human elements like shame, empathy, and decency.
In the ensuing decades, Arum promoted many of the most successful fighters and most lucrative fights in the sport, thanks in large part to the unseen orchestrations of his partner, Beelzebub.
The only hiccup in the mutually beneficial relationship occurred over a 2003 contract dispute, during which Arum hinted that he had never really needed the assistance of the dark prince and was considering severing the partnership. Satan subsequently coordinated an FBI raid of Top Rank’s offices in January 2004.
Following the raid, the two overcame their differences and brokered a new contract. As a result, the investigation into Arum’s practices fizzled out with no charges filed.
Although Satan has long been engaged in working relationships with many in the boxing community, including Arum’s current nemeses Richard Schaefer and Oscar De La Hoya and his longtime rival Don King, the ruler of the demons insists that his involvement with Arum is particularly special to him.
“He’s like a son to me,” Satan said in a rare statement confirming the new contract. “I could not ask for a better serpent… servant! Better servant!”
Arum took no offense to the malapropism, laughing congenially with the Prince of Darkness as the two began planning the fall boxing schedule.
(The Rabbit Punch is a satirical column. Any persons, events, descriptions, opinions, or insults contained herein are not intended to be taken seriously. You didn’t take this seriously, did you? Seriously? Then send your complaints on Twitter to @SDKraus and await my indifference.)
