Heavy underdog Lionel Squash plans to have his wife, Samantha, and his two young children sitting ringside for his fight against top middleweight contender Vashon “Power” Powell on Saturday night. The decision is almost certain to end poorly for the entire family.
“I get a lot of strength from my wife and my children, spiritually, and I think they’ll help me fight better than I ever have in my life,” said a delusional Squash, whom oddsmakers have set as a 20-to-1 underdog against Powell.
A victim of knockout in three of his last six bouts who will be fighting at middleweight for the first time in his career against a big, young, devastating puncher, Squash refuses to acknowledge that he is likely to expose his loving wife and vulnerable children to his own savage beating.
“I think my family is going to see the greatest victory in the career of Lionel Squash on Saturday,” said the past-his-prime pugilist, who hasn’t won a fight against a meaningful opponent since 2007.
“I believe in Lionel,” Samantha said, revealing herself as one who prefers blind faith to acknowledging the difficult facts of reality. “We’re going to be cheering him on with all our hearts.”
Most boxing experts agree that the best possible outcome for Squash is to be knocked out quickly to avoid a prolonged beating at the hands of the far superior Powell.
Powell’s three-year-old son, Lionel, Jr., stands in staunch opposition to the experts.
“Daddy’s going to win!” he said, clapping and laughing with an innocence he will likely lose forever after witnessing the brutalization of his father on Saturday night.
(The Rabbit Punch is a satirical column. Any persons, events, descriptions, opinions, or insults contained herein are not intended to be taken seriously. You didn’t take this seriously, did you? Seriously?)