The Rabbit Punch: Fight Result — Husband Beats Wife

rabbit-punchOKAY, Okla. – Heavyweight Billy Roy Keith, 37, scored a brutal knockout of his wife, Dolores, 25, mere seconds into their brawl Saturday night.

Dolores (2-9, 2 KO), a junior middleweight, was intense from the onset, aggressively pushing Billy Roy backward with a flurry of wild, inaccurate blows.

Billy Roy (54-37-4, 41 KO), a veteran of countless fights in Northeast Oklahoma, including three sanctioned boxing matches, easily absorbed the early onslaught. His experience allowed him to wait patiently for an opening as he shrugged of the ineffectual blows of his outraged spouse.

“That bitch can hit,” he told police in the post-fight interrogation. “But her chin’s softer than her fat ass.”

Recognizing that he needed to exercise his massive size advantage, Keith created distance with a shove and quickly unleashed a vicious jab-straight combination that landed flush on the chin of his beloved life partner.

Wobbled but undeterred, Dolores steadfastly resumed her attack, motivated by a mixture of heartbreak and self-loathing.

Having effectively scouted his foe, Billy Roy anticipated the rush and timed a counter right hand perfectly, crumbling his game but overmatched opponent with one spectacular shot.

Had it been a high profile, sanctioned, legal boxing match rather than a drug-fueled domestic dispute over lipstick-stained button-fly jeans, Keith’s devastating final punch would certainly be a top candidate for knockout of the year.

Instead, Billy Roy’s dominant effort was rewarded with an arrest for aggravated battery, his third arrest overall in the last five weeks. He is currently awaiting trial at Wagoner County Jail after being denied bail on Tuesday.

(The Rabbit Punch is a satirical column. Any persons, events, descriptions, opinions, or insults contained herein are not intended to be taken seriously. You didn’t take this seriously, did you? Seriously?)