While the spineless, sniveling, myopic mass of incompetent boxing writers pathetically cower before the ills wrought upon this noble sport of boxing by the malevolent powers that be, your humble correspondent has dedicated his life and pen to exposing the corruption these lesser scribes are too impotent and ignorant to address.
Though temptation and weak will have led these talentless hacks to kowtow to the debauched gangsters who have befouled our beloved pugilism, this fearless representative of the Real Fan shines his beacon of truth upon their callous crimes, alighting the path to the next Golden Age of Boxing.
For this, I say, with utmost modesty, you are welcome.
My efforts have not been made to inspire your gratitude, for my crusade is most noble in its purity of purpose. Nonetheless, your gratefulness is long overdue.
In fact, appreciation for my overwhelming efforts to resurrect and resuscitate the manly art is the very least you can offer. The question I ask you today is, why do you not do more?
Have you broken news of a boxer testing positive for performance enhancing drugs? Have you publicly shamed and disgraced an ineffectual judge to force his retirement? Have you organized any boycotts of the promoters, networks, or sanctioning bodies that drag boxing into irrelevance? Have you engaged in any Twitter feuds?
If not, then give me your thanks for my tireless campaigning on behalf of bettering boxing by getting off your fat, lazy asses and enacting real change. Protest a premium network. Throw a brick through Oscar De La Hoya’s window. Light yourself on fire at a casino hosting a televised mismatch.
I do not expect your efforts to match mine, for my achievements amaze even myself. I only humbly ask that you follow in my mighty wake, feebly emulate my heroic deeds, and join my quest to cleanse boxing of the corrosive forces that threaten to destroy our sport. At least the ones that have the audacity to disagree with me.
Once again, for my exemplary example, you are welcome. Now it is time for you to follow my lead or get out of my way.
(The Rabbit Punch is a satirical column. Any persons, events, descriptions, opinions, or insults contained herein are not intended to be taken seriously. You didn’t take this seriously, did you? Seriously? Then send your complaints on Twitter to @SDKraus and await my indifference.)