The Rabbit Punch: WBC Strips Champion Of Title Because “Screw Him”

rabbit-punchMEXICO CITY – In a move that surprised nobody in the boxing community, the World Boxing Council stripped their light heavyweight titlist, Tyrus “The Truth” Truffant, of his belt on Monday evening.

The WBC also announced shortly thereafter that interim 175 pound titleholder Julio Cesar Ramos will face Julio Cesar Ramon in Mexico City to fill the vacancy. That fight will be held on Saturday, Sept. 15, the day before Mexican Independence Day.

The Mexico City-based WBC, often criticized for favoring Mexican fighters, did nothing to dissuade the boxing media of that notion in a press conference announcing the decision.

When asked why Truffant was being stripped, despite having defended his title successfully and without controversy just three weeks earlier, and although he had already entered into negotiations for his next defense in the fall, WBC President Jose Sulaiman indignantly defended the decision.

“Why? Because screw him,” Sulaiman told reporters. “Screw him and anybody who disagrees with me.”

“Why would he do this?” Truffant asked plaintively when told of the WBC’s decision and Sulaiman’s subsequent comments. “This is my livelihood he’s messing with. And why does he have to be such a dick about it? What the hell is wrong with this guy?”

In spite of Truffant’s status as a well-respected fighting champion, Sulaiman completely dismissed any protests on his behalf.

“If you don’t like my decision, you can kiss my ass,” Sulaiman said to the awestruck media. “Tyrus can kiss my ass, too, but it won’t get him the WBC title back.”

When asked if he was sure that he wanted go on record with such derisive comments directed at a man who did nothing but defend the WBC belt with dignity and honor, Sulaiman laughed.

“The only thing I’m more sure of is that Truffant isn’t fit to lick loose shit out of my asshole, let alone represent my exalted organization as a world champion,” replied Sulaiman. “Fuck that guy.”

Ramos, the beneficiary of the WBC’s actions, largely ignored the controversy and expressed gratitude toward the WBC and Sulaiman for the opportunity.

“I have dreamed of this day since I was a young boy, to fight for the most prestigious world championship in front of all my fans in Mexico. I want to thank Jose Sulaiman and the WBC for giving me a chance to make my dreams come true,” he said through a translator. “I would be honored to ingest even his foulest waste.”

Meanwhile, Truffant was far less laudatory than Ramos in his remarks about Sulaiman, though he refrained from addressing the longtime WBC president’s offensive statements in kind.

“I don’t really know what to say about any of it. I think I’d be less insulted if he had just spit in my face,” he said, shaking his head with disillusionment and disgust.

“Oh, good idea,” Sulaiman said. He then spit directly in Truffant’s face.

The WBC later issued a press release congratulating Sulaiman on his aim and the viscosity of his saliva.

(The Rabbit Punch is a satirical column. Any persons, events, descriptions, opinions, or insults contained herein are not intended to be taken seriously. You didn’t take this seriously, did you? Seriously?)